The last time..

I saw my father he told me something

that I have to remember when I get stuck and ....

torpid!!!!!!!

:).

We were sitting in the breakfast room

as we called it

and I was about to come back here.

He simply said

you make your bed , you have to lie in it.

I had a dream the other night

about this very thing.

I always think that this last time that I was with him

was the last time, but I didn't know it
 and somehow I think he did.

He and my mother were supposed to come and visit us after I had my first son,

but Daddy got sick and never made it.

When I talked to him after I got home from the hospital

he asked me how Johnathan was

I asked who is Jonathan

he said your son

that isn't his name was my reply

and

I never thought to ask why he said that name

I didn't know for years and years later that his fathers name was

Johnathan

that is my grandsons name

because my son remembered me telling that story a time or two

My father had cancer and I wasn't there for any of it
but the very beginning when they were doing tests
but I never imagined then how long it would be
and how he must have suffered

he was "sick" for quite a while
and
 I have a letter he wrote me right before he was supposed to have a

big operation

he speaks of making it through and soaring like an eagle

he made it through

but it didn't cure him

he died three weeks before they were to visit
and I wasn't there

My mother came a few weeks later

and met her first grandchild for the first time

my son was very ill

some stupid idiotic moron of a doctor had overdosed him

 and we nearly lost him

so when my mother arrived

I was in a state and so was she

but as it does

it all worked out and she got to be a

grandmother to a little boy who adored her

she spent a lot of time with all of her grandchildren

three grand sons

and she was a good grandmother

even though her daughters didn't always think so

but the grandsons never got to meet

the man we so often told them about

the man with the very long name

that spelled his first name

JACK

Jack Albany Clarence  Kipling Barnes

and his surname

don't remember why the Barnes.....but the others were dukes and I think Rudyard, maybe!!

:) :) :)

!!!!

I have often fantasised about how it would have been if they had ever met

he would have been such a neat grandpa

he was funny and gentle

he was good with his hands

he had patience

and I know this because he had

three females in his life who were a hand full

we had some friends whose father had left them

and my Dad kind of became a surrogate dad to them

I used to wish that I could have heard him

call my boys

"son"

the way he used to call our friends that

I just wish my boys could have known him

and when things used to get hairy

having teenage boys about

I did tell them once in a while

that they had made their beds.......

wonder if they will tell their children that too

The reason I tell you this tale

is

I did make my bed

and I will lie in it

and I will remember that my father would expect me
to do the best I can do with what I have

and what I have is nothing to dismiss

or complain about

I have so much more than so many
so I will remember to be
 grateful
....
that I didn't have to live in the desert
and have nothing to eat
but cheese and jam

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

:) :) :) :)